awkward day randomness part 2 january 2016

It’s been a long time since I’ve made any notes on facebook. I don’t even remember when I wrote the first part of awkward day randomness. I guess it is a good thing that it was so long ago. On to the matter at hand, I’m a libra. I’m not super in to zodiac stuff but some of it I think holds true to my life and values, but anyway, I’m a libra. Libras like balance...equality in most if not all aspects of their life. I know that achieving that balance is impossible because their are too many random factors to life. With that being said the idea of balance really means a lot. I was thinking “what are things that are out of balance? Why do I feel...how I feel?” I came to a realization that I am missing something. I am missing something important, something...important for life...probably...no surely...I am missing more than one thing. My thoughts immediately go to my emotions. I realized that...I don’t experience “sadness.” Most people that have known me for a long time, and people that know me now...always say that I seem a bit “cold” during certain situations. My long time friends have mentioned that I am not the “same” but at the time I am. They have not said that I am not a good person, but I am just a bit different. Most people would say “well not feeling sad is a good thing,” but I have to disagree. The fact that this emotion seems to elude me also means that the thing to balance it out eludes me as well. How can one know that they are happy if they can not feel sadness? The absence of sadness destroys the base for feeling happy. Now for people that know me, they know I have dealt with depression before and honestly still do, but being depressed and being sad are not synonymous. Back to the sadness thing, I found it weird that I came to that conclusion. Whenever I watch a show or movie, or read a book, comic, I “feel” the “emotions” of that/those characters. I ( more times than not ) “feel” some sense of loss when I am done with a series or whatever. It bothers me though that I only “feel” that in a fictional world...in worlds that are not mine, worlds that have nothing to do with me... so why...do I not feel this way with my own life? Even as a write this I do not “feel sad” about the situation but confused....I have clear definitive feelings of confusion and clarity, depression and vitality, anger and calmness but sadness and happiness? Not anymore. Even saying all of that the “feeling” has a name I suppose. It seems to just be apathy but I thought I’d just record some of my initial thoughts. I’m sure there will be a part 3. until that day, adieu