awkward day randomness part 2 january 2016

It’s been a long time since I’ve made any notes on facebook. I don’t even remember when I wrote the first part of awkward day randomness. I guess it is a good thing that it was so long ago. On to the matter at hand, I’m a libra. I’m not super in to zodiac stuff but some of it I think holds true to my life and values, but anyway, I’m a libra. Libras like balance...equality in most if not all aspects of their life. I know that achieving that balance is impossible because their are too many random factors to life. With that being said the idea of balance really means a lot. I was thinking “what are things that are out of balance? Why do I feel...how I feel?” I came to a realization that I am missing something. I am missing something important, something...important for life...probably...no surely...I am missing more than one thing. My thoughts immediately go to my emotions. I realized that...I don’t experience “sadness.” Most people that have known me for a long time, and people that know me now...always say that I seem a bit “cold” during certain situations. My long time friends have mentioned that I am not the “same” but at the time I am. They have not said that I am not a good person, but I am just a bit different. Most people would say “well not feeling sad is a good thing,” but I have to disagree. The fact that this emotion seems to elude me also means that the thing to balance it out eludes me as well. How can one know that they are happy if they can not feel sadness? The absence of sadness destroys the base for feeling happy. Now for people that know me, they know I have dealt with depression before and honestly still do, but being depressed and being sad are not synonymous. Back to the sadness thing, I found it weird that I came to that conclusion. Whenever I watch a show or movie, or read a book, comic, I “feel” the “emotions” of that/those characters. I ( more times than not ) “feel” some sense of loss when I am done with a series or whatever. It bothers me though that I only “feel” that in a fictional world...in worlds that are not mine, worlds that have nothing to do with me... so why...do I not feel this way with my own life? Even as a write this I do not “feel sad” about the situation but confused....I have clear definitive feelings of confusion and clarity, depression and vitality, anger and calmness but sadness and happiness? Not anymore. Even saying all of that the “feeling” has a name I suppose. It seems to just be apathy but I thought I’d just record some of my initial thoughts. I’m sure there will be a part 3. until that day, adieu

back then dec 2012

Truth is I miss you...I miss you more than you could ever imagine.  It was the little things...really the little things that I miss the most....laughing and talking for hours and hours, the poems that would go back and forth, our hearts bonding and becoming one through friendship...knowing that I could make you smile...just because I was talking to you.  I miss the passion that we shared...not only for each other but for life and love and friends and fun.  How we wanted to grow old, not only grow old together but just grow old and know that each other was happy.  How could I have been so blind back then? how could I not see that it was too good to be true, How could I not know how foolish I was, how foolish you were.  They say to let go of the past and I thought I had...but I haven't I can't. There are not loose ends that need to be tied but tight ends that need to be loosed.  Truth is, you will never see this....I hope you never do, but maybe I will be able to tell you. I gave you all I had, all that I could, in retrospect I could have done better but at the time I was doing the best that I could. I fucked up made mistakes but it never changed how I felt but all I asked was the same in return...I realize now that you did the best that you could at the time and maybe if we had met later in life...we would have worked...who knows...all i know is that there is one statement that I hold true and will always be true and it is that i love you and will always be there when you need me, friend or no friend.  As I go through old photos and memories, I can't think of the bad times and reasons why I would have let something so precious to me slip away.  I can't recall the words I said or what reasons I gave. I just can't and it doesnt matter.  I guess what matters, is that instead of moping on, and being depressed because youre gone....I should be happy that my memories of us are good.  My memories of you are spectacular, because I remember you smiling, being happy, laughing, joking...i remember the good about you and not the bad...and through all of this time...I felt alone in this battle and now I know that I wasn't you were right there beside me dealing with the same pain as I was...I'm glad you are working to be better...to be happy...to forget our past...so you can have a future, maybe one day we could have a future. what we will be in the future does not matter, enemies, friends, lovers, it doesn't matter the only important thing is that we both are striving for what each other wanted for the other...happiness....

If you could read my mind

Would you blackmail me?

Would you hate me?

wouuld you love me?

If my heart was black as coal

would you burn it?

If my soul was golden like the halo over an angel,

would you steal it away, and sell it to the highest bidder?

or would you hold them close and never let go?

would you try to turn your heart as black as coal ?

so our hearts could burn stronger than they would alone?

or would you try and turn my heart into  a steel cage?

callused, and worn but never rusting...

would you embrace my golden soul or 

stand back and stare...

whatever you do just be there

and acknowledge me

awkward day randomness part 1 january 2011

The tears dont fall or crash around me but my mind is caving in creating a single point darkness where all my thoughts gravitate and culminate then produce this thing called depression...but the black hole that's starting to encase my mind somehow never destroys that one beam of light...to that light my memories thoughts feelings and dreams reach out and somehow escape the in-escapable abyss of darkness...my words make no sense but we all understand them...my thoughts have no origin but were created by my mind but my mind is not real just a figment of my imagination...

Poem from Dec 2008

The Love We Share

Let's me know you care

We meet face to face

Of course I'll stare

Deep into your eyes

Gazing at your soul

Looking at our future

and what it beholds

My hand on your waist

You lips I will taste

When we meet

Face to Face

The joy and the laughter

together we'll share

Untill we are old

and grey of hair

Our bodies will meet

and our hearts will beat

Faster than a runner at a track meet ( XD )

My Love for you

Is genuine and true

I do what I do

only for you

I think of you first

and put myself last

Because I couldn't bear

to shatter your heart like glass

When you are happy

My pain subsides

Because your beauty puts my mind

ON Cloud nine

Me and you together

This love will never die

Through the rain,

The Shine

The pain

The cries

Our love is everlasting

Through life and through death

You are my everything

And you will be

Even past my last breath

Living without you

It is possible

It always will be

because you are you and I am me

I can go on, move on

because I want to live for myself

Important as you may be

I could live life complete or incomplete

Does that make me cold?

or make me wrong?

Is it bad to feel the way I feel?

To know that I could selfishly continue my life

and enjoy it, 

Truth

This post is just kind of random. I haven't been blogging much, at all really. I haven't really been using this as an outlet and I probably should. I just finished watching a few anime shows and it's always crazy how I connect with any character. It doesn't matter what show I'm watching, even if it is a crappy show that I really don't like, I'm always finding myself becoming emotionally attached to characters. It's a bit concerning sometimes. Other times it can be enlightening. I have noticed that I always find myself drawn to the same type of characters in many different mediums: video games, anime, movies, TV, dramas, music etc; I may even go as far as to say that I drawn to the same people in real life.

Loss

Loss
is something that occurs in many forms...many mediums. Loss is never something that you get used to. That feeling...the emptiness...the anxiety...the confusion...it never gets easier to deal with.
Loss
happens unexpectedly....even if it is expected the feeling catches you off guard. Preparations may help but only so much...its fangs normally strike when you let your guard down...
Loss
can be triggered by many things...those old feelings...rushing to the front of your thoughts like the boiling water bursting from a geyser...overshadowing all emotions and thoughts
Loss
is something that reminds me that I am human...it reminds me how to love and that I...that I need love...loss is not my enemy but the friend/acquaintance that is always brutally honest with you
Loss
has been the most brutal, but best teacher...I despise you but need you at the same time